Reflection of 2009 + 2010 Resolutions

2009 has been a rough year start to finish. Def one of the worst years of my life. But it's coming to an end and I must say that I'm very grateful to God that it wasn't much worse. That's all I'll say on 2009, no need to harp on the past.

2010 is upon us. This is the time of year when people start making resolutions they have no intention of trying to keep. But it just sounds good to say you're gonna work out more, watch what you eat, blah blah blah. Truthfully lots of folks forget their resolutions before February arrives. I used to be one of those people, making resolutions just for the helluvit. But as I've grown older I've grown to appreciate the challenges that keeping a resolution presents. I did a pretty good job of keeping my resolutions last year. This year I want to do an even better job. With no further adieu I present my 2010 resolutions

1. Get closer to God: This is always the most important resolution for me. I feel like no matter how close I get to God, I still have a long way to go and I can never get too close or too full to thirst for God. To accomplish this I plan to make a more concerted effort to pray everyday. Study my bible everyday/as much as possible, continue to go to bible study, church and fellowship with other believers. 
2. Cut down on my liquor consumption: At first I was going to say stop drinking. But I know that's an unrealistic goal for me right now. Now if in cutting down my liquor consumption I'm able to forego drinking all together then that'd be great. To accomplish this, I will put a strict drink limit on myself when I go out and keep the home liquor purchases and consumption to a minimum.
3. Make better grades: My grades in 2009 were downright awful and unacceptable. I can't get to the dissertation stage if I'm constantly retaking failed classes. I'm not trying to be at Cornell forever! To accomplish this I will seek educational help to hone my study skills, get a learning assessment and address any other learning difficulties that may have gone unnoticed over the years. For the first time in life I'm studying and I just want to make sure my work is paying off and it's reflected in my grades
4. Exercise: This is never a hard resolution for me to keep. I don't workout hardcore all the time but I make sure I stay active. 
5. Work on my relationships: I have a lot of relationships that I'd like to strengthen and others I want to cut loose. I also want to make wise choices and less impulsive choices as it relates to my love life. 
6. Be a better person: This is a very important resolution for me. I always want to strive to conquer my demons and resolve my emotional issues and more importantly grow. I'm the kinda person that really cares what other people think of me. And I hope and pray that those who've known me over the years can say that I'm changing for the better. I still have a long way to go but that's what life is for. 

That's all for now good people. What are some of your resolutions for 2010?

A quick question on forgiveness

^"14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
 -Matthew 6:14-15


I remember when I read this verse, it kinda stuck with me, so I wrote it down in the back of my bible. I think in general I'm a very forgiving person. I pray for those who've done ill towards me, I pray that God blesses them, keeps them safe, and answers their prayers. But there are two people in particular that I'm not sure if I've forgiven. 


I have nightmares pretty much every single night. The only time I don't have them is when I'm drunk. And I surely can't get drunk every night. So i've just come to accept that they're going to happen. In my dreams I know it's only a dream but it doesn't make the pain feel any less real. Most of the time I'm crying or fighting or just telling myself it's just a dream. The other night I committed suicide in my dream. Needless to say these are intense dreams. Anyway there are 2 people who are in at least 3-4 dreams a week. They are two people with whom I've severed all ties because they only bring me pain and misery, yet they keep popping up in my dreams. I've prayed about it many many times.  But because they keep popping up in my dreams I'm beginning to wonder if I've really forgiven them.  I understand that forgiving and forgetting are two different things. The pain they've caused me is very much real and very hard to forget. But it's not something I think about everyday or even consciously.  


So my question for all of you: At what point do you feel like/know you've forgiven someone?

Mixtape Coming soon...

Well those of you who know me personally might know that I looooove to sing. Unfortunately that's not a gift God blessed me with lol. But since I'll have a lot of free time over the winter break I'm gonna put together a mixtape of me singing. It's gonna be entitled "Worst Mixtape Ever: American Idol Reject" I'll post it to the blog when it's finished. Some people tell me i don't sound awful but I think that's because they care about my feelings. Anyway I'm gonna do some research on singing and practice a lot. I hope to finish the mixtape before the new year.

Here's the tentative tracklist:

1. Brand New-Drake

2. She's not you- Raheem Devaughn

3. I belong to you-Brian McKnight

4. In my bed- Dru Hill

5. A night off -Drake feat. Lloyd

6. Soon as I get Home-Babyface

7. Where I wanna be-Donnell Jones

I'm not trying to sing these songs better than the artists, these are just some of my fav songs to sing along with. And what the hell it's all in good fun. Stay Tuned

SBL?-Single Black and Lonely? and qualified greed

I was reading Sister Toldja's blog post about her response to the Washington Post article about the upcoming book "Bitch is the new Black"'s author. I pretty much agreed with everything she said. I too had read the article and I truly felt bad for Helena Andrews (the author). I have many female friends who seem to be in similar situations. They're successful and single, some aren't looking, others are frantically searching for a mate. They have this clock in their head of when everything has to happen. I think the standard benchmark is 30. Which for most of my friends means they're kinda under the gun to find someone. Though I think my sub-25 crew is being a little frantic and overreacting. But the truth of the matter is that the numbers aren't in their favor. Frankly there just aren't enough Black men for everyone. Now if we start talking about "qualified" Black men, they probably have a better chance of finding a unicorn (I think I've said unicorn like 3 times in the past week, that's a personal record). Wait am i the only one that finds unicorns creepy? It's like a rhinoceros and a horse together, that's creepy as hell. What if you get speared by it unintentionally? I digress...

Now while I don't consider myself a "qualified" Black man. I understand that a man with my credentials is desirable for most women. See those of us who fall into the qualified pool have a tough task at hand. We have to be responsible lovers. For men in my age group, that's often difficult. To be perfectly honest, why would you want to act right when you know there are at least 10 more girls who are/can be interested in you? As humans, specifically men, being that we are very physical creatures, we're attracted to new shiny things; that includes the smörgåsbord of eager Black women. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I didn't take advantage of the ratio in my favor. But as I got older and listen to more disgruntled Black women I realize the error in my ways. It's very tough (not trying to compare struggles, so ladies don't come for my throat) to make yourself put up with a woman on a bad day. If she starts yelling at you over something stupid or breaks up with you over something stupid you don't really have an incentive to stay or give her a second chance. Sure, you might like the woman, but you know there are more women out there to choose from. Black women don't get that option, so they often put up with a lot more nonsense than they should. They end up hurt and become the single, lonely and often angry Black woman.

But a large part that the Black women who complain to me seem to miss is how their attitude affects their situation. As somebody who's often sad/depressed/pessimistic I realize that it's not attractive to women, so I keep it to myself. I think a lot of Black women wear their pessimism on their face. If there was a chick I wouldn't approach it's the one that looks like she just did a bid for strong-arm robbery. I don't care how fly she looks in her Loubitins or whatever fancy smancy crap women care about. That's not to say you should paint on fake smiles, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to smile when given a compliment. Trust me every man that compliments you is not trying to immediately (keyword:immediately; lol) get in your knickers. (I do realize that men often compliment you in inappropriate manners, i'm not talking about those). I've actually resorted to saying "no hetero" when I'm giving a woman a compliment (I stole that from Wrashley, I think). But seriously, if you think you're never going to find a man, chances are you won't. You'll miss all the good ones right in front of your face. Let's not even get into the ones obsessed with material possessions, and the male equivalent, guys obsessed with T&A. Lastly, I'll say this, that "strong black woman" crap is a crock. Some of yall think being "strong" is acting crazy. There should be a clear difference between a level 1 offense and a level 10 offense. If your man leaves the toilet seat up and you smack the sh*t outta him, don't be surprised when you're single. Also, I know you want to be "independent" but that doesn't mean you can't accept kindness. Put it like this, if a guy you're dating / in a relationship with gets you a gift, and the first thing that pops into your mind is "I can buy that for myself" you have a problem, I hope you like cats and being a bridesmaid.

There isn't a sure fix for this situation, because like I said there just aren't enough Black men for all the Black women. But when we find someone we have to do a better job of maintaining the relationship in a healthy manner. We as men have to be responsible and not take advantage of the ratio in our favor, not to mention acting right. And women a little optimism wouldn't hurt. When I get my heart broken, I usually write it down in a journal. Then a few years later I look back at it, and it's so funny how when you're heartbroken you never think it'll heal. But time heals wounds, so don't be afraid to get in the game. That goes for everybody

Awkwardly Hilarious Elevator Turtles

So those of you who've known me for years know that I wear some rather interesting shirts. Lots of times they're pro-Black-scare-white-people shirts. (I got rid of the obscene t-shirts when I graduated) So anyway yesterday I was being a lazy bum and taking the elevator to get water (there's no water fountain on my floor so that they can force you to go to the expensive ass eatery down the hall, not me!). I'm wearing a royal blue and white shirt that says "Don't be alarmed we're Negroes". I fill up my water bottle get on the elevator and there's an older White lady on the elevator. I lean up against the wall, realize she's not going to my floor, hit B for basement, and resume my post. Out the corner of my eye I can see her looking at my shirt. She was visibly disturbed. She gets ready to say something, she takes a deep breath and opens her mouth to speak...at that very moment I look her dead in the eye like "I wish a mutha would", she immediately closes her mouth and looks away. The elevator rings, my floor is here, I chuckle audibly to myself and step off the elevator. Score one for J-Full!

*had an awkward moment just to see how it feels*

Le Tigre or something stupid

So Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, can't say I'm surprised. He's super competitive maybe he just couldn't be tamed by one woman. Well that's his problem not mine. He should've been on that Derek Jeter, bachelor-for-life status. Well Tiger didn't actually admit to cheating in his vague ass apology but for the sake of an interesting story let's say he did.

The women he cheated on his wife with were mediocre at best. I think we can all agree that infidelity is wrong. But damn if you're gonna step out on your wife at least upgrade. That way when your wife finds out (she most always will) she'll feel like she needs to step her game up and not just downright disrespected that you would forsake the marriage for a gutter rat. If Tiger wanted a woman of low profile/status or whatever, he could've took his faux blasian ass to Magic City (infamous strip club in Atlanta). He could've found some certified bangers who would've banged and kept their mouth shut. But I always notice that when athletes or celebs cheat it's usually with someone that's of low stature mostly socioeconomic stature. Maybe those are the thirstiest girls and they do the most chasing. But I think the issue is deeper than that. I think a lot of these athletes/celebs have superman syndrome. They gotta save these hoes to feel like a man. Maybe they don't get to feel like the king of the castle at home with their wife. Men NEED to feel like the king. If you show me a man who doesn't, I'll show you a liar. Some men need it more than others but all men need it on some level.

But then there's the disastrous PR job Tiger's people did. When the rumors started flying he should've pulled out that check book. If these chicks were talking to TMZ for 150k he should've offered em $2M to never speak his name again and go away. If you're gonna do your dirt Tiger, cover that ish up. Ain't you ever seen a dog take a poop. They poop then cover it with dirt. Geez man. But the part that cracks me up about this whole thing is trying to imagine Tiger tryna spit game to a chick. No wonder the girls were wack, Tiger ain't got the game to get a banger. I bet if somebody hadn't introduced him to his wife he wouldn't have been able to pull a woman as fine as her. Well maybe not, dude is a billionaire so I'm sure some chick would've found him or at least tolerated his wack ass game. I haven't read the text messages he sent to his side chick but word on the street is they're wack as hell.

But then there's the issue of whether or not his wife may or may not have kicked his ass. Well she was a hurt woman and hurt women often get angry and irrational. I'll never excuse domestic violence no matter the gender of the perpetrator but damn poor Tiger gotta explain to his boys how he got beat up by a skinny former model when he's known for his workout regimen. See Tiger needs new friends, friends that can teach him how to restrain a woman. Like my man Kanye says "I'll never hit a girl, but I'll SHAKE THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!" If she went Happy Gilmore upside his dome he should've got to restraining and/or shaking. But he can't even admit he got his ass kicked. The risk is too great for his reputation. Too bad he's not as pretty as Rihanna, people might've actually given a damn.

World AIDS Day

Today is world AIDS day. I could be like the rest of the faux activist and get all excited and tell everybody to go get tested and act like I care about the AIDS epidemic with as much fervor everyday. But I'm an honest person and I know that I don't care about the AIDS epidemic. I selfishly care about AIDS, I want to make sure I don't have it and that nobody I know has it. I acknowledge that it's a huge problem in the world and I do support AIDS causes when I find them but on the day to day I rarely think about it.

I do know someone who has HIV though, and they've had HIV since I was in the 4th grade I think. And if you saw them you would probably have no idea that they had it. Which is good for them but also scary. HIV and AIDS doesn't have a face, there isn't a "look" (well unless they're in the terminal stages with the lesions and ish). So it's best to always protect yourself and get tested regularly.

I remember the first time I got tested. I'd gone to a safe sex forum hosted by what would be my future fraternity PHI BETA SIGMA FRATERNITY INC! And my mentor was a Sigma and after the program was over he mentioned that he was going to get tested. He is somebody I admire so I decided to get tested also. So I went to student health and signed up for the test. They asked if I wanted to do it anonymously, I said sure. I was nervous as hell! I knew I'd only had sex once before in life and I'd used some form of protection so I didn't think I had it. But I'd heard stories about people not knowing until it was too late. So I took the test. A simple cheek swab and went home. That week I had to wait (this was back in 2003 so things weren't that efficient lol) was torture. I just kept wondering "what if I have it". I went back to get the results and my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't even sign my name. The guy told me to relax I was NEGATIVE. Needless to say I was relieved. The subsequent test weren't as stressful or as long of a wait lol. But I always say, there's nothing like knowing for sure that you're clean. So if you haven't gotten tested or haven't been tested lately go get tested. Not because it's world AIDS day, but because it's your life at risk and it's the right thing to do.